beginnings...

january 9, 2007
well i find myself sitting in an airport bar in spokane, WA looking out on a dreary gray sky as it fades to an attempted sunset. my last day in america for at least 7 months! i'm full of anxiety and hopeful anticipation for this coming year, as i know it will bring more changes and wonder than i can begin to imagine. it's difficult to put words to the rush of emotions i'm experiencing right now. mainly i'm just ready. ready to set out and begin my trek around this wide and beautiful earth, ready to face many fears and challenges, ready to fully experience the divinity found living close to nature, and ready to learn all i can from a people who i already care deeply for. i've been waiting for this day for such a long time that it seems unreal. is this actually happening to me, callie, a montana-girl apparently afflicted with a worldwide traveling bug? well of course it is. otherwise i wouldn't be here, trying to put some sort of words to an impossible-to-define experience.
people keep telling me i'm 'brave' for setting out on this journey, but to be honest i don't feel brave at all. in fact, i'm pretty scared and i know i'm going to be in way over my head! however, i think that there's freedom to be found in this feeling of resignation, in the knowledge that now i leave my fate to where the wind blows me. i trust that as i follow my heart and my true yearnings, the right path will unfold.
what i do trust most is that i will be cared for deeply by the nicaraguan people. in the midst of their 'poverty' many of the natives i met back in november posess greater riches than most americans i know. these people have not forgotten what truly matters in one's life- the companionship and unconditional love of family, the feeling of success after a hard day's manual work, and the relative unimportance of material goods in relation to happiness. i find that the less amount of 'things' one posesses, the more one must rely on one's own surroundings and a close-knit group of family and friends for survival. this type of reliance seems to bring forth tighter relational bonds and less attempt at competition, or success simply for one's own sake. any wealth is consistently spread without question. how humbling to be in a place where families will not blink an eye at putting another spot for you at the table, when you're well aware of the effort it took to put that meal on your plate. how humbling, also, to feel as if this same family wants to be a part of your own... that you do not OWE them anything for the meal, your simple presence, laughter, and respect are payment enough.
as i face my first leg of the journey with excitement and apprehension, i think of my family and friends, each one of which has made it possible for me to be where i am today... each one of which has, in their own beautiful way, taught me how to fly. i'm so blessed with these fine folks- those who will be a part of my family forever.

way too early in the morning, atlanta GA airport- january 10
well the trip's been off to an interesting start... i sat by a nice older lady on the way to SLC who had just lost her husband of 57 years. what do you say to something like that? i can't even imagine having someone be your best friend for that long, then losing them and being expected to be okay. i had a 5 hour layover in SLC so i went to 'squatters pub' and had a pesto/feta/tomato pizza and my last microbrew (some really dark espresso local brew) for a long time. i thoroughly enjoyed the meal until i realized that i had forgot my journal on the plane. unfortunately it wasn't one of my new blank ones, it was the one i had almost filled last trip to nicaragua... along with people's names, phrases, addresses, and a bunch more important stuff. i tried really hard not to be devestated by the loss but i can't help but feel a little discouraged. i mean that, of all things? grrrr. after i finished eating, i went to the delta lost and found but they hadn't found anything. i guess all i can hope is that someone didn't just toss it, that they may have looked inside and saw my contact info and realized how important it is to me. but, that's completely out of my control now so i suppose i shouldn't worry about it.
the next leg of my journey i spent seated next to rich (a recently and bitterly divorced 41 year old open heart surgery patient) and jordan (a 'good-ol-boy' rancher/cop from florida)... probably two of the most entertaining people i've ever sat next to on a plane, even though we only talked for the first 20 minutes of the flight. jordan was absouletly floored that i would even think of moving to central america, and kept trying to tell me that i'd be back soon, that i couldn't handle it, and that if he saw me again he probably wouldn't recognize me because i'd have 'some sort of wierd bones or some shit' coming out of my nose (to which i replied to him that i already have all sorts of wierd shit poking out of my face... that no nicaraguan i met had). he had an interesting opinon about helping other countries, which i can only assume has been greatly influenced by a stint in the marine corps, good ol' southern breeding, and the confederate flag patch he so proudly displayed on his NASCAR hat. he was really kind-hearted though, and made me laugh. he also told me that he'd given an airport golf-cart driver $200 for taking him on a joyride around the SLC airport and had given his bartender a $100 tip... wish i could get in on some of those riches. ranching and policing in florida these days must be awful prosperous.
right now i'm sitting in the atlanta airport, watching the sun rise into a buttery yellow sky and waiting to board the pane to managua. i'm thinking really hard about going to get some good fatty breakfast (that seems to be a theme for me this past few weeks... i feel like i'm fattening myself up for the slaughter- not really, but i just feel like i should get all the greasiness i possibly can in me before the rice and beans stint). i start teaching training as soon as i arrive today (YIKES!) and am actually really excited about it. i think i'm ready to be busy, challenged, and working towards something... it's been awhile since i've had any of those things happening in my life.
i just watched a CNN segment on Bush's new plan for Iraq. my god, we're in so far over our heads and nobody has any idea what to do. why not repeat history (IE: vietnam) and just send MORE troops to die for a ridiculous cause?! i wish i had an answer for this, but i can't excuse our presence there in the first place. why, when we have a country which has increasingly become filled with poverty and dispair, would we EVER feel the need to fix another country's problems before mending our own? it pisses me off that so many young men and women are sacrificing not only their lives, but precious years of young adulthood, and innocence, for this oil-mongerers-war. WHERE'S THE REVOLUTION WHEN WE NEED IT THE MOST?????????????? have us young adults become so complacent that we are unable to create change? i remember going to the holocaust museum and feeling this sense of hopelessness, this feeling that nobody was doing anything, or saying anything, to truly affect the terrible things happening throughout europe. i entered the next room in the museum and was suddenly faced with a wall of pictures and stories, tales of college students and other young adults from around the world who REFUSED TO BE SILENT. these revolutionaries were often silenced through violence, through threats, imprisonment, and even execution. however, they fueled an important fire which ultimately forced the united states to take action. i think my generation does not believe this type of change is possible, because none of us were alive in those times (WW2, vietnam, civil rights etc.) in which world-changing revolutions occured. we look at these events, the leaders, and the people who supported them merely as history, with fond rememberance and a misty-eyed romanticism. we want change to be easy, we think that debates and words will ultimately fix things, that complaining about what's going on in this increasingly frightening downward spiral will reverse what's happening in our world.
i was reading an introduction to 'tao te ching' in which the author, r.b. blakney describes the devistation which occurs when bad leaders are put into power. these self-serving leaders cause massive discontent throughout the peoples of this world, which in turn deeply affects the interactions between different cultures and the environment itself. it makes a lot of sense to me that poor leadership would ultimately prevade all levels of society. i'm not saying that all leaders in this world have the same self-serving actions as Mr. Bush, but there are many who only seek power and personal success above the needs of their people. when a people have no faith in their leaders, will they make a concerted effort to take care of their country? it seems to me that if a leader him/herself is not looking out for the best interests of the country, why should its' people be expected to? this is not a justification for inaction or apathy, merely an observation of what i feel happens when leadership becomes selfish instead of caring and compassionate.
what do we do about this? i suppose each of us must start first with making peace within ourselves, then hoping this inner peace will spread positive energy ripples throughout our companions, which will in turn eventually affect the global energy. 'the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step' (lao tzu) however, many americans i know are simply too comfortable in their own day-to-day hustle and bustle of life to even make ONE step. the fact that so many of us find it OK to be comfortable when so many others are needlessly suffering in our own country and worldwide sickens me. not that i'm not comfortable on a day-to-day basis, but i feel that i atleast try to get out and understand things about the world, and hopefully after this journey i will be able to advocate for the nicaraguan people in an important manner. i just think that a lot of americans simply see the rest of the world as a frightening OTHER and have no desire to remain open-minded enough to realize that fundamentally all of us are the same. this realization would force many people (especially of the conservative/fundamental christian persuasion) to re-evaluate many of their basic beliefs in what one must be to be "saved". it sucks that religion, which is meant to be a mind-opening facet of life, becomes an easy avenue for many people to close themselves off to the rest of the world, and especially to truths which would potentially shake their worldview. hmmmm.
well i suppose i'm done ranting for now. i'll write later :) ciao! cal